Lesson 3: Hope

In this lesson I begin to realize that there is hope for my situation and begin to work principal two and step two.

Higher power

Openness to change

Power to change

Expect to change

 

Write About It …

1. Before taking this step, where were you trying to find hope?

* I was trying to find hope in a new marriage, a new family, a new start. I was trying to form new relationships on half truths, partial feelings, and saying what people wanted to hear.

 

2. What do you believe about God? What are some of his characteristics?

* I believe God is loving, patient, forgiving, caring, and that he wants me to come to Him for healing. I believe he knows all but chooses to limit his knowledge so that we go to Him with our issues. I believe he tosses my sins away when I confess them to Him and never uses them against me for any reason.

 

3. How are you feelings for your heavenly Father and your earthly father alike? How do they differ?

* I’m not sure of my feelings towards my earthly father. Sometimes he is my daddy and other days he happens to be the guy who knocked up my mom. I tried two years ago to rekindle my relationship with him but I feel that he chose to ignore my efforts even when I moved up to Oregon. I know I want a relationship with him but I don’t think he wants a relationship with me, and while that hurts I have no control over him. As far as my heavenly Father, I already have a relationship with Him. I love both of them and I know that some day God will change my dads heart to want a relationship with me. I can trust God but I don’t know if I can trust my dad. I feel safe in Gods arms because He is and will always be there for me.

 

4. How can your relationship with your higher power, Jesus Christ, help you step out of your denial and face reality?

* I can ask Him to show me the areas of my life where I may still be in denial and trust that not only will He show me but He will help me deal with the feelings and emotions that come with the things He shows me. He will always be there no matter how much I try to run away from Him.

 

5. In what areas of your life are you now ready to let God help you?

*I want Him to help me push past all the walls I have built around my heart and to learn to love and be loved in a genuine manner. I want to learn how to accept that others accept me the way I am and that I don’t have to be okay and they will still love and accept me the way I am. I want to stop trying to be the perfect person for everyone and just be me the way God created me.

 

6. What things are you ready to change in your life? Where can you get the power to change them?

* I want to learn how to express and feel my emotions. I don’t like that I learned to hide them from the people that love me. I used to keep a “mask” on and say I was doing okay or fine even though I was dying inside from all the abuse and neglect in my life. I know that God can give me the power to stop hiding and start sharing and feeling the way he designed me as a woman.

Heartburn & Clothes

I have nasty heartburn that not even mylanta could get rid of. I finally ate a sandwich and I think it’s finally easier to tolerate now.

I am supposed to be going to buy new clothes today since I have all of 3 pair of pants that fit but wont fit for much longer. I know I need clothes but that means admitting I’m getting big and I don’t want to get very big. I have a feeling that I am going to gain the most weight I have ever gained in pregnancy. blech … I don’t want to get fat … lol

You Want Me To Drink How Much?!?!

Over the last few times I have been to the Dr. for the pregnancy I have been told I need to drink 1 gallon or more of water a day! Who drinks that much and still has room to eat the amount of food needed to sustain a pregnancy?

I understand the reasons for that much fluid needed in your body. Without the proper amount of fluids your body starts puling it from your muscles. Seeing as the uterus is a muscle and the lack of fluids can cause contractions in muscles this is not a good thing. Then there is the need to stay hydrated so that your body can function properly in other ways. Blood flow is also affected by lack of fluids in the body. Lack of blood flow can cause one to be light-headed and dizzy.

I have never consumed this much water in a day my entire life. I am working on increasing the amount I drink slowly because I feel so bloated if I try to drink that much fluid in a day. I have made it to 3 bottles (32oz.) on most days. M has been trying to help by making sure I have water at all times but the problem with that is that I can have one bottle last all day. If I don’t drink at least 2 a day I feel the effects by the next day.

I also know that if I don’t get better at drinking enough now I won’t be able to breastfeed for the first two years. I know that was part of the problem with my youngest baby when I had to stop breastfeeding him at 9 months because I didn’t have enough supply to meet his demand.

I guess I need to figure out a way to make sure that I make it to a gallon a day by the time Gavin is born. Time to start some brainstorming and maybe look for an app for my phone that reminds me to drink more everyday!!!

Cars Are A Pain

I had to fix the A/C in my truck today. The mechanic said there is definitely a leak someplace but there is no way to know where it is until the A/C starts to perform poorly again since there has never been any dyes put into the system until today.

The up sides are, one that it has to be a fairly small leak since they couldn’t “sniff it out” and second that he will look at it for free if or when the system starts to fail again. It cost $150 today but only God knows whats wrong with it and if it will malfunction again. I just hope it’s a hose or something easy and fairly cheap to fix. It gets rather hot here and I know both M and I can’t go without A/C especially with a baby on the way!!!

Lesson 2: Powerless

In this lesson I begin to admit I am in fact powerless over my addictions and continue to work on principal one and step one.

Pride

Only If

Worry

Escape

Resentments

Loneliness

Emptiness

Selfishness

Separation

 

Write About It …

1. List some ways pride has stopped you from asking for and getting the help you need to overcome your hurts, hang-ups, and habits.

* My pride was keeping me from feeling my emotions. I had this thought process of “You wont break me, I refuse to cry!” I saw crying as something that meant something was wrong and nothing was wrong in my world.

 

2. What in your past has caused you to have the “if onlys”?

* “If only” I had stopped stuffing my feelings years ago!

* “If only” __________ hadn’t left me!

~ If only I had waited longer before I had married Brett.
~ If only I had listened to my grandmothers advice “give it time” she said.
~ If only I had stopped running form love and acceptance and instead accepted it.
~ If only I had listened to my gut feelings about the whole marriage the first time.
~ If only I had paid attention to all the warning signs of his sex addictions.

 

3. Instead of worrying about the things that we cannot control, we need to focus on what God can do in our lives. What are you worrying about?

* I have learned that worrying over things outside of my control just causes more stress and that its not going to do me any good so I just try my best to not worry so much!

 

4. In what ways have you tried to escape your past pain? Be Specific!

* I am no longer trying to escape my past pain. I know this sounds like the “proper answer” but I do realize I am powerless and I have started to learn to feel my emotions and pain and not try to run from it.

 

5. How has holding on to your anger and your resentments affected you?

* It makes it harder to get along with me because I am always grumpy. It caused me more stress than I need to be dealing with.

 

6. Do you believe loneliness is a choice? Why or Why not? How has your denial isolated you from your important relationships?

* Yes, loneliness is a choice. I am responsible for myself and my actions. If I don’t reach out to others that’s a choice I make and therefore makes me lonely. Denial caused me shut off all my emotions around those that were and are important to me, like family and friends.

 

7. Describe the emptiness you feel and some new ways you are finding to fill it!

*

 

8. Selfishness is at the heart of most problems between people. In what areas of your life have you been selfish?

*


9.
Separation from God can feel very real, but it is never permanent. What can you do to get closer to God?

*