Scarry Side Effects

So after my appointment yesterday and weighting in a whole 10 lbs heavier than just a month ago I started to look into the side effects of Zoloft. The Dr. gave it to me for depression (at my request). In my quest to find the side effects I noticed a note for pregnant women, this is exactly what I read: “FDA pregnancy category C. SSRI antidepressants may cause serious or life-threatening lung problems in newborn babies whose mothers take the medication during pregnancy. However, you may have a relapse of depression if you stop taking your antidepressant during pregnancy. If you are planning a pregnancy, or if you become pregnant while taking Zoloft, do not stop taking the medication without first talking to your doctor. It is not known whether Zoloft passes into breast milk or if it could harm a nursing baby. Do not use this medication without telling your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.” (Where I got the info!!!)


Lesson 5: Turn

In this lesson I learn how to make a 180 degree turn in my life, giving it over to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ. I begin working Principal 3 and Step 3.





New life


Write About It …

1. What is stopping you from asking Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior? If you have already asked him into your life describe your experience!

* I found it very interesting that this question asks me what was stopping me from asking Jesus into my heart and then states if I have already invited him into my life to describe my experience. I guess I was about 13 when I asked him into my heart as my Savior. But as I got into Step Study, I learned that asking him into my heart was not the same as asking Him into my life. I have to daily ask Him into my life so that I can do His will not my own.

2. How has relying on your “own understanding” caused problems in your life? Be Specific!

* It caused me to make some very huge mistakes. I felt I was unable to care for my children when if I had just asked God for his grace and mercy he would have helped me. I wound up in a marriage that I thought God wanted me in but after seeing the truth about the person that was in front of me I realized that I had relied on my own understanding not what I was being led to do!

3. What does “repent” mean to you? What do you need to repent of?

* Repent simply means that I am to be truly sorry for what I have done wrong and do a 180 degree turn away from that action. Also I am to do my best to not repeat the same thing  through the power of Jesus. I am sure there are several things that I need to repent of in my life. Maybe its my pregnancy brain fog getting in the way right now but I can’t come up with anything to share on this one right now. Sorry!!!

4. What does the declaration of “not guilty” found in Romans 3:22 mean to you?

* First off I noticed that the questions says 3:22 and it’s found in 3:24 for both the NIV and NLT versions of the Bible. I guess everyone really does make mistakes! Instead … Romans 3:24 says “Yet now God in his gracious kindness declares us not guilty. He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins.” Not guilty means that I don’t have to suffer with the shame of my guilt, my sadness and fear any longer. That I can move on without the weight of my past with a clean slate.

5. When you turn your life over to your Higher Power, Jesus Christ, you have a “new life” (see 2 Corinthians 5:17). What does that “new life” mean to you? ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!

* To me a new life means that I get to start over, the slate of my life is wiped clean. I get the chance to do things the right way, Gods Way, to follow his will. I am a new creation in Christ!!!

6. What does the Principal 3 prayer mean to you? ~ Dear God: I have tried to do it all by myself, on my own power, and I have failed. Today, I want to turn my life over to You. I ask you to be my lord and my Savior. You are the one and only Higher Power! I ask that you help me start to think less about me and my direction and wisdom for my life. Please continue to help me overcome my hurts, hang-ups, and habits and may that victory over them help others as they see your power at work in changing my life. Help me to do your will always. In Jesus name I pray. Amen!

* It means that I have asked for yet another chance to bend my will over to Christ and allow him to take over my hurts and hang-ups. It’s my “not guilty” verdict and the beginning of my new life. ~ I am choosing to not do this on my own. I am continuing to step out of denial and hand over my life to Christ everyday! ~ This prayer makes me think of how much grace God has given me. Since I have already asked Christ into my heart it reminds me to daily turn my will over to him. It gives me a place to go when no-one but Him can help me with my problems.

My Crazy Cat

For the last few days my sweet cat has been pulling things off my bedside table. I have a few “nail care” items there and she plays with them. I guess this is her way of saying “play with me!” I find it funny that she comes down the hall with something in her mouth meowing for attention!!!

The only thing that concerns me is that last night she got a hold of my daily pill reminder, the thing I put my pills in that helps me remember if I took them or not, and she also got a tube of neosporin off my table by my chair. These two things are definitely harmful to her and I don’t know how to stop her from playing with these types of things. I guess putting them away would help but if I put my pill reminder in a cabinet I will never remember to take them. I think I need a different table by my chair, one with a drawer to put things like that into and maybe put a laminated list of whats in the drawer on top of the table. We are going to be getting new furniture soon anyway so I will make sure to talk to Matt about this idea!!!


~Her letter says it all!!!~

“In regards to your request to see the boys – I appreciate you asking early and I appreciate your willingness to be okay with our answer as we consider what is the best for the boys. At this point we have determined it would not be in their best interest to have a visit with you in December. Their therapist has said they are doing well and we thank God for that, so we haven’t needed to see her in quite a while now. We know it’s key for them to establish a solid secure life in the place they are at now. This situation is different then other situations – like for example divorce – where it is healthy to establish and continue to work on relationships with all parents involved. Our goal through this adoption is to provide for them something that shows them that adoption is forever. They are still very young, though its been over a year they are still figuring things out with us and still processing the past – especially with the many transitions they’ve endured. As you know, they went through a lot of change in their very early years. We are working hard to show them that we are providing for them a consistent, safe, permanent healthy place for them to be. So at this point we believe it is best to keep the contact you have with the boys to letters and pictures and through your conversations with us. We plan on keeping your letters, cards and all for them so that they can have your thoughts, words, etc. for many years to come. Also, we have refrained from saying much about the baby you are expecting. As you know, they are aware of your pregnancy, but we can tell it is a lot for them to process – it’s a lot for an adult to process. We don’t want them to be hurt and struggle with the “whys” of the situation as it is very complex, so we’ve decided that its better for them to not know much more about it at this point. We hope and pray you can understand our decision. We know you are excited about this little one – and we pray for you and for Gavin and all that God has in store for your future. Please know that God has put you in my heart, so I care for you very much. When you pray for someone, you develop a love for that person. I really do believe God has given me a loving heart for you. I just have to put the boys first, even above myself.”

What worries me most is that she says in one sentence that they seem to be having a hard time processing the information but earlier in the email she states that they haven’t been to see the therapist in quite a while. Wouldn’t it make sense to take them to the therapist if they are having trouble processing the information? I mean it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out does it? Part of me feels its a selfish choice on her part and it will backfire in the years to come when the boys read all the emails between us. They will be able to make their own choices and come to their own conclusions about it all and I have no doubt that they will see right through her attempt to “protect” them.

Goofing Off

I don’t really believe in horoscopes and all that but I thought this described me to a T! Something kind of goofy and interesting to read aside from all the other daily drama that ends up being posted here!!! Enjoy!!!

“Cancer is a mysterious sign, the one most filled with contradictions. Ruled by the moon, Cancerian moods fluctuate like the tides. They want security and comfort, yet seek new adventures. They are very helpful to others yet sometimes can be cranky and indifferent. They are both highly insecure and arrogantly confident that they are right. They will stand up for what they believe in but conflict of any kind causes them great distress.

Cancerians have a driving, forceful personality that is often hidden beneath a calm, cool exterior. They are very strong people who, more than any other sign, make their moves in life based on their emotions. Highly sensitive, emotional, kind and caring, these traits are hidden behind the crab’s shell of indifference and aloofness, which will only get harder the more you try to penetrate it.

Moonchildren have a strong capacity for love and kindness and are guided by their intuitive ability. They have excellent memories, are very observant, and can read people amazingly well. They have to overcome their shyness and insecurity but once they do, their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation, and intelligence will ensure great success.”

“Cancers usually dress according to their mood, so their style is forever changing, and can be completely different from one day to the next. Charmingly deceptive, this sign likes to wear luxurious lingerie beneath indifferent outerwear. Style matters less than that their clothing feels soft and comfortable. Sensitive Cancers wear clothes that are feminine and pretty – and very huggable.”

Today Sucked

What an awful day!!! My phone vibrates at 8:30am waking me from my dozing in and out to my mother freaking out over Idaho child custody laws. Apparently my sisters ex-boyfriend took their child stating that he now had full custody with papers from the court. I spent the morning doing research only to find out that the papers the guy gave my sister were 100% legal. He basically did it so she couldn’t leave the state with their son as she threatened to do.

Anyway as if that wasn’t bad enough around 12:30 I started to have more cramping and contraction style tightening and with any contractions that were extremely tight I couldn’t breathe very well. I drank some water thinking that maybe I was dehydrated a little bit but when that didn’t help I called the Dr.’s office. They were at lunch so I was about to leave a message but as I described what was going on to the answering service lady she connected me to the doctors nurse, who told me to go to the hospital.

I got to the L & D unit around 2pm and signed in. I sat down and waited for a few minutes when a really strong contraction started I walked back up to the desk and got the nurses attention, plus I had to pee like crazy. She let me back, gave me a cup and a gown to change into. I got changed and gave her the sample and she told me what bed I was being assigned to so I went and laid down. The nurse came in and hooked up all the monitors and did all the normal “health questions.” I told her what was going on and she went to call my doctor. He ordered up to three shots of terbutaline and IV fluids. The nurse gave me the first shot and waited to see if it made a difference. It helped but not enough to stop all the contracting, so she gave me the second shot. (Ouch by the way they burn really bad.) We sat and talked for a few minutes waiting for the shot to do its magic but when she asked me how I felt I told her honestly that I was still hurting, so she gave me the third shot. It gave me some relief finally … or so I thought.

The nurse asked me what I wanted to do and I told her whatever the doctor thinks is best for both me and the baby. So she went to call the doctor to find out what he wanted to do, keep me in overnight or send me home. As I lay there this horrible pain started up, in my right side, it just kept getting worse and worse until I was in tears. Matt went to get the nurse and told her I was in extreme pain. She came in and I could barely tell her what was wrong I was hurting so bad. She had a couple tests she had to do so I had to try to suck it up long enough to let her do the tests. They did one to see if all the contracting made any changes and another that is able to tell if you are likely to go into labor within the next couple weeks. I hadn’t made any significant changes and the other test was negative, talk about a relief, but I was still in serious pain. The doctor came to the hospital to see me and then decided to order a couple ultrasounds to make sure I didn’t need surgery for my appendix or have kidney stones. He also ordered demerol for the pain. The nurse gave me the meds and that killed off the pain. I basically slept through the ultrasound and waited until the nurse came back to tell me what was next. The ultrasound was clear so no need for surgery or pills. YAY!!! Around 10pm I was finally discharged, thankfully the meds had worn off so I drove us home. Matt made dinner since we hadn’t even eaten lunch, and then we went to bed. I spent most of the next day sleeping and doing much of nothing but wearing off the last of the effects of the meds.

Sick of People & Their Selfishness!!!

I am so tired of being every ones “bitching post.” As if I don’t have enough stress in my life without adding your BS. Don’t answer the phone when I call with “What do you want?” in a pissy tone cause you are having a bad day …

I don’t really care about your bad day right now … I am stuck in my bed or in my chair 95% of my life right now because I am pregnant and high risk. How would you feel if you had answered that way and your grandson was born too early and had just died or was very likely to not make it or what if it was Matt calling to tell you I was just killed in a crash … huh!!! How the would you feel then …

What about respect … Does it not exist for me … Am I not good enough for you to respect me … You have one daughter doing drugs and being stupid with her life and her money … You bail her out … You have another one who is sitting in an abusive relationship and you somehow have time to talk to her when she has a bad day but when it comes to me asking for help I get “I don’t have it!”

You spent $700 two days later knowing I needed to barrow money … I even offered to pay back $150 and it was for like 2 weeks … Just until we got paid … What about your youngest … Doesn’t she get help too?!?!?! That’s fine I don’t need you … I have lots of people in my life that are there for me when I need them.