So today I got an email back from the adoptive mother of my two boys. Her concerns are extremely valid. The concern is that the boys will not understand why Gavin gets to stay with me while they are being raised by someone else. I have often wondered if it would be healthy to see the boys with their new little brother myself. Their mental stability is of the utmost importance to me and I just want what is best for them. I know this is a huge decision to make and I also know that I don’t get a say in the end result. All I can do is offer suggestions and pray that God guides us all to the right decision, no matter what that decision is.
Will it hurt if I can’t see them? I think that it will hurt if I don’t get to see them but I know my pain isn’t as important as their mental health is to me. I have support groups, family and friends that will help me deal with my feelings.
Will it bother me if they don’t get to meet Gavin? In some ways yes but in other ways no. Yes because he is their little brother and I don’t like the idea of hiding him from them. They know about him but I don’t know how they would react to him. No because if it’s not a healthy option for them then I don’t want to put them through that.
I think the hardest part is just not knowing what effect it will have on them. I just want to cry so much knowing what my decisions have done to those two innocent children. I feel so much shame and guilt for what they are suffering because of me. I just have to pray that someday they can understand and forgive me for all the things I put them through. How do you make amends to a 5 and 6 year old?