In this lesson I begin to learn about how my actions have affected others and myself. I begin to work on Principal 4 and Step 4.
Write About It …
1. Where will I go for quiet time to begin my inventory?
* I can do my inventory at home while Gavin is sleeping after he is born.
2. What date have I set aside to start? What time?
* I have some of my inventory done already from previous step study attempts, but because of my pregnancy I can’t seem to set a specific time and date right now!
3. What are my fears as I begin my inventory? Why?
* In the past it was that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the emotions that come with the events of my past. Now after working on it more I have no fear of it.
4. What can I do to help me “wake up” my feelings?
* I can talk about my past and allow my feelings to surface, pray for guidance, acknowledge that I am not “fine” or “okay” all the time and not hide my feelings in the first place.
5. Describe my experience in turning my life over to Christ.
* Turning my life over to Christ is a daily process and one I don’t always do so well. Turning my heart over happened when I was 13 and I recently rededicated my heart just before I started step study the first time in July 2009. Neither were big or fancy moments just moments of clarity! ~ Recent events reminded me of a time when I was 14 that I took a paperback bible, tore it in half, set it on Pastor Steve’s door step, rang the door bell and walked down the block. I watched as he dropped to his knees and prayed for me at that moment. It was then that I knew that God was real and he loves me!!!
6. How do I attempt to turn over my will to God’s care on a daily basis?
* Quite honestly, I just don’t try on a daily basis and I need to work on that more. I do however talk to God like he is my best friend when I do try to remember to turn my will over to him.
7. What things I have used to block the pain of my past?
* Anger, denial, avoidance by bottling it up or keeping myself busy, sarcasm, played the victim, cleaned my house or rearranged furniture, tried to “fix” others instead of myself, ran away from love and acceptance
8. What have I done to step out of my denial?
* Acknowledged my past through previous attempts at my inventory, admitted my problems to myself, to God and to others I trust, by coming to CR and step study, admitting when I am wrong and trying to turn away from the wrongdoing.
9. How can I continue to find new ways out of my denial of the past?
* By continuing to come to CR and working the steps, asking God to reveal more things that I need to deal with, continue to admit when I am wrong, leaning on my sponsor and accountability partners and continue to allow myself to feel my feelings.
10. Why is it important to do a written inventory?
* It will help me to find more patterns or addictions, makes the past more real, helps me to acknowledge and work on changing my character defects, to help me get real with myself, helps me see the good stuff, allow me to let go of the things that I’m “Not Guilty” for.
11. What are some of the good things I have done in the past?
* I attended a program of healing called “SaveOne” and allowed God to heal my hurts from a past abortion at age 17, I have been attending CR, I made the unselfish decision to give up my two older boys for adoption, I chose to stay drug free when I was being pressured by my family, I walked away from two abusive relationships.
12. What are some of the negative things I have done in the past?
* Walked away from my first marriage and leaving my two older boys behind, walked away from my faith in Christ because of one of the abusive relationships, stuffed my emotions, denied abuse from the past, took my anger out on others, lied to others, tried to control others actions, attempted suicide.
13. Do I have a sponsor or accountability partner to help me keep my inventory balanced?
* I have a wonderful sponsor who challenges me and several girls that I think of as accountability partners.