Shattered Vows is for wives of sex addicts and women who have been sexually betrayed by their spouse. The betrayal comes in many forms, such as, pornography, calling 900 sex numbers, and physical affairs.
So … how do I fit into this group? I caught my soon to be ex-husband looking at porn on his phone. I was about to show him how to log into our bank account so he could transfer money in case he needed gas in his car. When I asked him about it he lied to me, saying he had no idea how it got onto his phone. I started thinking about this incident recently and realized that I even fed into his addiction by buying a showtime series called ‘Tudors’. It’s actually a show about King Henry VIII, but it does have a lot of sexual content. Looking back on the nights we watched it I remember him wanting to have sex after or even while we were watching it.
At the time I was oblivious to what was really happening but now it’s clear to me. When we first got together he told me that his father was addicted to pornography and throughout his childhood it caused problems for his family. He also told me that he didn’t want to be like his father, that he wanted to be a stand up kind of husband and father. I wish that were true now.
I honestly believe that this incident is what caused the eventual tear down of the relationship. I lost trust in him and felt like I had most of my life, used, abused, and that I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough for him to be attracted to me. It was and still is painful to think about all that I have been through both with him and with several others in my past. I was a sex object for him and I doubt that he ever really loved me for more than that. It’s hard to accept that he isn’t what he portrayed himself to be but through my recovery I am learning how to accept the truth about who he was compared to who I thought he was.
~One Day At A Time~