My sponsor resigned today and I don’t know what to do!!! When I walked into Step Study and met the lady, lets call her A, who was my sponsor up until last night, I was impressed with how nice and non-judgmental she seemed. She seemed like a wonderful person and someone who could potentially be a sponsor for me. As time went on during the first few lessons I noticed some perfectionism issues but I reminded myself that we are all in recovery so I gave her lots of grace. It did finally reach a point where I needed to say something about it to her and I did. I was angry because she continually interrupted my thoughts over “I & me statements.” I kinda blew up at her but I tried my hardest to stay calm. I apologized before the break was over and things got better. At the end of the night she came to me and apologized for her part. Hugs were exchanged and things were good.
A few weeks later the church had a football thing going on for the guys and Matt wanted to go. Seeing as he can’t drive I took him to the church and went to a nearby internet cafe. I had made arrangements to meet with A around 6pm for dinner and some conversation. We sat and talked for over three hours about our lives and our recoveries. She asked me questions and I asked her questions. It was a blast!
A couple of weeks later I asked her if she would be my sponsor. I got the typical answer of “Let me pray about it.” She came to me the next week and basically said “I got an answer of NO, but I can be there for you as a temporary sponsor.” I was okay with that so I kept looking for someone permanent while having a safe place to fall back on if I needed it. That Friday I asked a lady, lets call her T, and again was told that she needed time to me pray about it.
Over the next couple weeks T and I kept missing each other so we had not had a chance to confirm or deny the request. During this two-week period A asked how I was doing looking for a permanent sponsor. I told her I had asked someone but had not gotten an answer yet. A then tells me that she would like to drop the temporary part and just be my sponsor. I felt like it would work so I agreed. The next time I was at CR, T came up to me and asked me if I still needed her to be my sponsor. I told her that I didn’t because A and I had changed from temporary to permanent. T said something like “Oh, okay … I was gonna say that I could be your sponsor.”
Over the past three months A was a wonderful sponsor. She challenged me to stop calling myself names, helped me when my reality was off kilter and was usually there when I needed her. I honestly thought things were working out. There was one issue about three weeks ago where I felt dismissed by her but I thought we had moved past that when we talked the next week.
I’m still confused as to what exactly went wrong and as I sit here thinking about everything I still don’t understand two things.
- Why did she say yes after she felt it was not what God wanted?
- Why when the recent conflict happened and I expressed some concerns didn’t she end it instead of continuing to be my sponsor?
I do feel that I wasted my time in some ways but in other ways not so much.
For me a sponsor needs to be kind, caring, strong, willing to call me on my denial, tell me the truth even when it’s not what I want to hear. She needs to be able to give grace and understanding when I am struggling with reality. She needs to be honest with me, be able to talk openly with me, be non judgmental when it comes to my choices and inventory. She needs to call and text me back, be willing to meet with me when I really need her support. She needs to be able to laugh, cry, celebrate, and mourn with me. She needs to have sobriety in at least one area of recovery that we share. She needs to understand what it is like to raise kids or at least understand that their needs need to be taken care of first.