A Tough But Right Decision

To add or not to add formula … that was my question.

I have been thinking about this decision for a long time and I think I have finally come to the right conclusion. I am going to change Gavin to formula during the day and continue to nurse at night. He doesn’t seem to be getting enough during the day no matter how often I feed him or how much I drink. He also seems to be happier with formula during the day and nurses best at night.

This method will continue to give him the benefits of nursing but also fill him up better during the day. Of course I will nurse him on days that he doesn’t feel well. This also gives the added convenience of “Daddy & Gavin bonding time” and will make feedings easier when at recovery or out and about especially when he learns to hold his own bottle.

I have put in a call to the doctor to see what Similac formula he recommends, since WIC doesn’t supply Enfamil, as a supplement to nursing. I want this to be an easy transition for him.

When I had my older boys, Jorin and Xander, I had just had an abortion a year prior. I honestly felt when I went through SaveOne that I was trying to replace my daughter, Karen, with the boys. It was important for me to nurse and when they told me Jorin was not able to nurse and needed Soy Formula it caused me a lot of depression. With Xander I nursed exclusively for 9 months but it put me through more PPD than I really needed to suffer with because it always seemed like he was never full. I seem to be having this same issue with Gavin recently and while my PPD is being treated I seem to be depressed more and more because of his fussing. I am confident I am making the right decision for him and the whole family.

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We’ve Been Robbed

We came home from CR to find certain electronics missing. It’s Friday night and I have been waiting over an hour for a cop to show up … just what I needed … another sleepless night!!! Will post more once I get the all clear from the police! Just know we are okay!

Sponsor Confusion

When I walked into Step Study and met the lady, lets call her L1, who was my sponsor up until last night, I was impressed with how nice and non-judgmental she seemed. She seemed like a wonderful person and someone who could potentially be a sponsor for me. As time went on during the first few lessons I noticed some perfectionism issues but I reminded myself that we are all in recovery so I gave her lots of grace. It did finally reach a point where I needed to say something about it to her and I did. I was angry because she continually interrupted my thoughts over “I & me statements.” I kinda blew up at her but I tried my hardest to stay calm. I apologized before the break was over and things got better. At the end of the night she came to me and apologized for her part. Hugs were exchanged and things were good.

A few weeks later the church had a football thing going on for the guys and Matt wanted to go. Seeing as he can’t drive I took him to the church and went to a nearby internet cafe. I had made arrangements to meet with L1 around 6pm for dinner and some conversation. We sat and talked for over three hours about our lives and our recoveries. She asked me questions and I asked her questions. It was a blast!!!

A couple of weeks later I asked her if she would be my sponsor. I got the typical answer of “let me pray about it.” She came to me the next week and basically said “I got an answer of NO, but I can be there for you as a temporary sponsor.” I was okay with that so I kept looking for someone permanent while having a safe place to fall back on if I needed it. That Friday I asked a lady, lets call her L2, and again was told let me pray about it.

Over the next couple weeks L2 and I kept missing each other so we had not had a chance to confirm or deny the request. During this two-week period L1 asked how I was doing looking for a permanent sponsor. I told her I had asked someone but had not gotten an answer yet. L1 then tells me that she would like to drop the temporary part and just be my sponsor. I felt like it would work so I agreed. The next time I was at CR, L2 came up to me and asked me if I still needed her to be my sponsor. I told her that I didn’t because L1 and I had changed from temporary to permanent. L2 said something like “Oh, okay … I was gonna say that I could be your sponsor.”

Over the past three months L1 was a wonderful sponsor. She challenged me to stop calling myself names, helped me when my reality was off kilter and was usually there when I needed her. I honestly thought things were working out. There was one issue about three weeks ago where I felt dismissed by her but I thought we had moved past that when we talked the next week.

I’m still confused as to what exactly went wrong and as I sit here thinking about everything I still don’t understand two things.

  • Why did she say yes after she felt it was not what God wanted?
  • Why when the recent conflict happened and I expressed some concerns didn’t she end it instead of continuing to be my sponsor?

I do feel that I wasted my time in some ways but in other ways not so much.

Sponsor Issues

My sponsor resigned today and I don’t know what to do!!! When I walked into Step Study and met the lady, lets call her A, who was my sponsor up until last night, I was impressed with how nice and non-judgmental she seemed. She seemed like a wonderful person and someone who could potentially be a sponsor for me. As time went on during the first few lessons I noticed some perfectionism issues but I reminded myself that we are all in recovery so I gave her lots of grace. It did finally reach a point where I needed to say something about it to her and I did. I was angry because she continually interrupted my thoughts over “I & me statements.” I kinda blew up at her but I tried my hardest to stay calm. I apologized before the break was over and things got better. At the end of the night she came to me and apologized for her part. Hugs were exchanged and things were good.
A few weeks later the church had a football thing going on for the guys and Matt wanted to go. Seeing as he can’t drive I took him to the church and went to a nearby internet cafe. I had made arrangements to meet with A around 6pm for dinner and some conversation. We sat and talked for over three hours about our lives and our recoveries. She asked me questions and I asked her questions. It was a blast!
A couple of weeks later I asked her if she would be my sponsor. I got the typical answer of “Let me pray about it.” She came to me the next week and basically said “I got an answer of NO, but I can be there for you as a temporary sponsor.” I was okay with that so I kept looking for someone permanent while having a safe place to fall back on if I needed it. That Friday I asked a lady, lets call her T, and again was told that she needed time to me pray about it. 
Over the next couple weeks T and I kept missing each other so we had not had a chance to confirm or deny the request. During this two-week period A asked how I was doing looking for a permanent sponsor. I told her I had asked someone but had not gotten an answer yet. A then tells me that she would like to drop the temporary part and just be my sponsor. I felt like it would work so I agreed. The next time I was at CR, T came up to me and asked me if I still needed her to be my sponsor. I told her that I didn’t because A and I had changed from temporary to permanent. T said something like “Oh, okay … I was gonna say that I could be your sponsor.”
Over the past three months A was a wonderful sponsor. She challenged me to stop calling myself names, helped me when my reality was off kilter and was usually there when I needed her. I honestly thought things were working out. There was one issue about three weeks ago where I felt dismissed by her but I thought we had moved past that when we talked the next week.
I’m still confused as to what exactly went wrong and as I sit here thinking about everything I still don’t understand two things.
  1. Why did she say yes after she felt it was not what God wanted?
  2. Why when the recent conflict happened and I expressed some concerns didn’t she end it instead of continuing to be my sponsor? 

I do feel that I wasted my time in some ways but in other ways not so much. 

For me a sponsor needs to be kind, caring, strong, willing to call me on my denial, tell me the truth even when it’s not what I want to hear. She needs to be able to give grace and understanding when I am struggling with reality. She needs to be honest with me, be able to talk openly with me, be non judgmental when it comes to my choices and inventory. She needs to call and text me back, be willing to meet with me when I really need her support. She needs to be able to laugh, cry, celebrate, and mourn with me. She needs to have sobriety in at least one area of recovery that we share. She needs to understand what it is like to raise kids or at least understand that their needs need to be taken care of first.

    Searching Again …

    My sponsor resigned today and I don’t know what to do!!! For anyone that is a leader at CR in recovery for Shattered Vows and/or Co-dependency or if you know someone who fits this description please pass along their name to me.

    • She needs to be kind, caring, strong, willing to call me on my denial, tell me the truth even when it’s not what I want to hear. She needs to be able to give grace and understanding when I am struggling with reality. She needs to be honest with me, be able to talk openly with me, be non judgmental when it comes to my choices and inventory. She needs to call and text me back, be willing to meet with me when I really need her support. She needs to be able to laugh, cry, celebrate, and mourn with me. She needs to have sobriety in at least one area of recovery that we share. She needs to understand what it is like to raise kids or at least understand that their needs need to be taken care of first.